Tuesday 31 August 2004

CMF2 – Day 7

Tiredness has not improved.

Have been informed that there is Chicken Pox in the classroom – here’s hoping J will escape it.

J has been horribly grumpy for the last week or two. He’s been quite impossible at times, especially when he doesn’t get his own way.

Monday 30 August 2004

CMF2 – Day 6

Have been horribly tired for the last few days. And my temper has been sorely tested, mind you it doesn’t take much to upset me these days. I really don’t know why DH stays at home, he does precious little regarding cleaning, clothes, meals etc, and don’t even mention the lack of emotional support – I really feel like I’m going through this alone and it is pissing me off big time.

The anonymous world of the blogger/blogette

There’s the blogger and then there’s the bloggee. The person that writes and the person who reads. The blogger writes about topics that interest them, they have knowledge of or that they feel strongly about.

The world of the blogger/blogette can be a lonely place. It’s often one way traffic. The world is peering in, but often only leave footprints, if anything at all. I suppose the blog world could be described as voyeuristic to some degree. Then again, if we bloggers/blogettes didn’t want to be noticed at all, we wouldn’t be so public about our thoughts.

I am a very private person, but one who had the misfortune of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I hoped that I might, in some small way, be able to reach out and help someone else who has in some way been touched by this disease. I also write about other topics that catch my attention, after all, I do not purely define myself as a breast cancer survivor, I’m just an ordinary person who has had to travel down a well trodden road so many before me have already taken.

I’m also a naturally curious beast and would love to know a little bit about my anonymous visitors, whether you’re in Australia, US, Canada, UK, Europe, South Africa, or from another wonderful corner of our planet. Comments here are moderated, but please feel free to leave one anyway, I’d love to hear from you.


Friday 27 August 2004

CMF2– Day 3

Went into the city this morning to check up on my “new boob”. Well after being told that they should have something in by Wednesday, I find out they only ordered the stuff on Thursday – not happy Jan! I did have a win though as I picked up a pair of jeans reduced from $119 to 29.95, and they fit! I tried on a few tops, but they looked crappy.

I had a little sleep during the afternoon. DH picked H up after school and I cooked roast chook and veg for dinner.

Getting sick and tired of J insisting on a tissue every night when he goes to bed, so refused it tonight.

Totally forgot about the wafers today, so it will have to be tomorrow – oops!

2 fat ladies - 88

This is how DH was referring earlier in the week to his mother’s birthday – as long as he wasn’t referring to her and I personally, I wasn’t bothered. If he had been, I wouldn’t have wanted to be in his shoes.

Today is DH’s Mum’s birthday, she’s 88 - Happy Birthday! I decorated a light fruit cake and made a card last night.



The boys made cards of their own and we placed their school photos inside.

We were to take her shopping for a new microwave and then on to lunch, but she’s done her back in. So I organised chicken, baked potatoes, salad and fresh fruit to take over and share for lunch. We’ll go on a “shopping spree” when she feels more up to it. We also need to plan a day trip to go whale watching down on the south coast before the season ends in October. It’s something she’s always wanted to do. The boys would hopefully be impressed too.


Thursday 26 August 2004

CMF2 Day 2

Took my wafer before breakfast and my cyclophosphamide afterwards – yetch!

We took DH’s Mum out to Charlie’s at Brighton for lunch for her birthday. J was well behaved and out ate us all!

I had a bit of a rest when we got home and DH picked H up from school. He dropped my prescription in for ondancetron wafers at the pharmacy- they didn’t have enough so I have to go back and pick up the rest after 4.30 tomorrow.

He decided at 5.10pm it was time to think about dinner – grrrrrrrrrrr. I made tuna mornay for dinner as I’m sick of him waiting until the last minute to do things.

Taking ondancetron morning and night and will continue to do so.

Where do all the socks go?

The only plausible explanation is that my washing machine chooses them indiscriminately and eats them. It’s done by stealth. How it manages to cull one or two from the herd on a regular basis is just a bit beyond me. I wonder if it would happen in top loading washers had clear lids. This phenomenon seems isolated to the boy’s socks.

Any other explanation just doesn’t seem to gel with me. They could sneak out the door, hail a cab, board a plane and be lazing on a golden sandy beach, under an umbrella, sipping their Martinis (or G&Ts). They would be doing it just to make me totally jealous – bastards! I want a holiday, and I’m not all that fussy where. They could of course, just be lost under the constant piles of clean laundry – nah, that’s too simple.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to make it easier to identify pairs and whose socks belong to whom. I’ve sown different coloured threads into the top of each sock. Some of these threads have vanished or is that washing machine conspiring against me in yet another way.

Let’s hope the washing machine doesn’t eat DH’s new socks! I’ll be watching them very closely for any slight of hand. Oh the fun of trying to get compression stockings for DH. Well to be more correct, he needs an “extra firm” compression sock for his right leg, to help with his hopefully temporary lymphoedema. Yes that word dreaded by any woman who has had axillary lymph nodes removed - lymphoedema! And I thought I’d be the one to have my life made a misery by it. Of course I’ll always be at risk from it, but it seems ironic that it wasn’t me in this instance.

Pharmacies stock 15-20 mmHg socks/stockings for “mild” compression. As we need “extra firm” (30-40 mmHg), we were informed that we’d need a letter from DH’s doctor before they could place an order – some sort of legal mumbo jumbo. It’s frustrating, as it won’t be in until at least Monday, and DH will need to remain in bed to try and get the swelling right down before the sock goes on.

It also follows that these things come at a price. The “mild” version wasn’t too bad at around $35. The one DH needs is in the vicinity of $85! We will get a discount through the pharmacy, but I’m wondering whether our health insurance might cough up. I shall have to make some enquiries.


Wednesday 25 August 2004

CMF2 Day 1

Even though this is the start of the second last cycle, it doesn’t make it any easier, I think it just gets harder.

Appointment with onc at 11.30am.

Took J to Kindergym, then on to a friend’s while I went for chemo. Took some bolognaise sauce which I had made the night before and frozen.

My onc was running about 20-30 mins late so we waited and I rested. Everything is going along OK. I don’t think he thinks very much of any “natural” remedies for coping with the side effects – I think his attitude is to just grin and bear it – not at all my idea of fun. I have enough medication to last this week, but will need more prescriptions next week.

Was given Anzemet IV before chemo. The saline seemed to have a “taste” to it today.

It all went OK.

An initial appointment has been set up with the radiation onc for 6 September 2004 – it will probably take 30 mins.

DH picked H up from school. I rested all afternoon on the sofa. They had left over spag bog and I had some soup. I was about to take some ondancetron when my stomach decided that I’d waited too long and I vomited. I felt a little better afterwards, although at the time I thought my face would burst. Went to bed before 11pm.

Numbers

We are surrounded by them. Whether it’s the yo-yoing cost of petrol, the money to afford the luxury of bananas, the time on the clock, the ridiculous number of different speed zones, the fluctuating day and night time temperatures, the pages in a book, the number of stitches in a knitting pattern, or J’s total fascination with them, they are everywhere and always with us - there is no escape!

My last post in this blog was number 123, so this is post number 124. Nothing significant in that, just thought I’d share.

H had a great afternoon bowling and managed, at last, to crack 100 – he scored 105! Well done! Do you think he’s happy? The lady at the bowling centre and I were dreading what would happen if he only managed 98 or 99, again – he would have been extremely upset, so say the least.

He’s bowling so much better and straighter now he’s able to use a larger ball that fits his hand. The determining factor was, can he manage a heavier ball? So for now, he’s using the heavier one first, then the lighter one for the second, if he needs it, at the moment he certainly does.

My boys are still growing. H is now 147.5cm (4’10” tall) and it won’t be long until he’s out of his size 5.5 shoes – he’s not 7.5 years old yet. J has cracked the magic 120cm (3’11.25”) and fast growing out of his size 1 shoes – he’s just gone 4.5 years old. They are already scheming on all the rides they will both be able to go on now. I dare not mention the Royal Adelaide Show starts next Friday, although they probably already know that. We should be able to avoid it this year as DH won’t be in any fit state to go traipsing around there for hours on end. I'm not so secretly happy about that.


Tuesday 24 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 28

The dread has certainly kicked in and I’m feeling sick in the stomach.

The hair is definitely growing and really soft, just like baby hair, no blunt cut ends.

Book Week

This week is Book Week. The boys survived dressing up and parading – they really do love it. J went as “Bob the Builder”, and H represented the book “Rex” (a story about a the class pet, a chameleon, which each student gets to take home for the night and record their adventures). It was short listed for an award.



It’s always great to see a 100% participation rate in the parade, from preschool to Year 6.


Monday 23 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 27

I went into the city centre today to get fitted for a new bra and a silicon prosthesis. They didn’t have one in my size but are ordering some in for me to try, so it might be a week or so until I feel up to making the trek in again.

I also found a copy of Jane and Glenn McGrath’s book about her fight with breast cancer. I’m looking forward to reading it as I’m sure there are many parallels.

They’re ganging up on me!

I forgot to mention another Grumpy Old Woman moment.

The boys and I trekked down to the shopping centre after school for our semi regular haircuts. I have a feeling I asked for a little bit too much to be lopped from my locks – I thought it made me look a bit too old – I could see my mother clearly, and that’s not generally a good sign as she’s 26 years older than me – no offense meant Mum. I certainly didn’t need my delightful 7 year old to tell me on the way out; “you look old mummy!” He thought my haircut was an old ladies’ do. Talk about having your already battered feelings really put in the ditch!

Ah well, as they say, the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut is 2 weeks. I do think it’s looking a little better and there’s still 1 more week to go!

On a positive note, my baby J turns 4.5 today. Where has the time gone? I really shouldn't have blinked!


Wednesday 18 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 22

I’ve already got to thinking about treatment again next week – I still cringe. I read a magazine article about handling menopause naturally and they suggest phytoestrogens (even for those who have hormone receptor positive breast cancer, like me) and isoflavins. Ginko biloba for memory, etc. I think the jury is still out as to whether they are safe.

My moods have been absolutely terrible – it’s like I’m totally losing the plot.

I started reading Raylene Boyle’s autobiography – she is a former Olympian and Commonwealth Games champion in sprinting, and breast and ovarian cancer survivor.

It’s official, it’s been confirmed!

I’m a Grumpy Old Woman. I guess this comes as no surprise to anyone, least of all me. It’s just nice to know I’m not certifiable and that I have plenty of company for this part of my life’s journey.

The book ‘Grumpy Old Women (but still feeling eighteen inside) The Official Handbook’ written by Judith Holder, just about says it all, at least for me.

This book came out of the BBC TV series of the same name, which in turn was spawned by the highly successful BBC TV series ‘Grumpy Old Men’.

OK so what is it with Grumpy Old Women, what makes us grumpy and what are we about?

Here’s most of the introduction from the book.

Introduction

Disclaimer
For the purposes of my Auntie Dorothy, I would like to stress that any references of a sexual or crude nature in this book are as a result of extensive research on my part into other people’s lives and experience, and not my own.

Grumpy old women are a little bit older than they were, they’re a little bit fed up – quite a lot fed up, actually – and this book is dedicated to this hitherto silent majority of women of a certain age who find the whole business of being a grown-up infinitely harder than they had imagined. Age itself is irrelevant. They may look a teeny bit middle-aged on the outside but on the inside they are the young, fragile and entirely irresistible women they were in their 20s. They may not wear thongs or sex-kitten bikinis any more, but it doesn’t mean that deep down they aren’t every bit as gorgeous and irresistible as they were all those yeas ago. This book is for those wonderful women – they might be 30, or 40 or 50 or much older – who share a special serenity and wisdom that means that they are nearly always right. The nearly always know best … and I am proud to be with self-appointed form captain.

This book is also for the people who are lucky enough to live with women like us. It can be their guide map to understanding the true depths and beauty of our (sometimes not apparent to the naked eye) charm, intuition, affection and sheer bloody wonderfulness.

So how does it feel to be a Grumpy Old Woman? Well, for a start, it seems like only yesterday that you were raving it up to 10cc and the Bay City Rollers, only five minutes since you were scrutinising the problem page in Jackie magazine to try to glean more information about the docking procedure of sexual intercourse, and no time
at all since you were doing your hair in flick-backs like Charlie’s Angels. But then look what happened – you got older and a little bit fatter, and suddenly you got grumpy. Boy, you got grumpy. And now just about everything gets you in a bad mood. Some days you are so mad that you walk past a pigeon and feel like giving it a good boot up the backside for no reason at all; it you see someone up a ladder, the idea of kicking it away from under them appeals for no reason other than that it would make you feel momentarily better; and if you were on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’, you’d agree in rehearsal to wave when they introduced you, but them sit on your hands when it came to doing it for real. Just out of spite.

You thought that you were supposed to mellow as you got older, to become mature, serene and all-knowing, but the truth is that these days you are boiling mad, and if you could find the rolling pin, you’d brandish it in traffic, and clip people round the ear with when they annoyed you, Which is all the time. Everyone. And everything.

Just in case you’re not sure whether you, or the woman you are buying this book for, is a Grumpy Old Woman – here are some of the things to look out for.

Signs of being a Grumpy Old Woman

- Your bra size is practically a telephone number, and you now shop in the underwear department from hell.

- If you sat on a beanbag, you might need to call the emergency services to get you out.

- You say to people, ‘That shows my age,’ and they no longer contradict you.

- You are the litter police.

- Shop assistants cower in fear as you storm up to their counter to return shoddy goods.

- Market researchers in the street with stupid clipboards ignore you – you’ve been ignoring them for years, anyway.

- Little bits of you face start to sag and give you that really grumpy look often seen on the sort of women who push their way in at jumble sales and get all the bargains.

- You have to put your reading glasses on the end of your nose, and glare over them like the headmistress in Please Sir.

- You remember Please Sir.

- You are plucking your facial hair on an hourly basis. It’s all right for men – they’re MEANT to have a moustache.

- You complain a lot.

- You like a nice fountain pen.

- You become a morning person.

- You start to enjoy pottering.

- You develop a double chin.

- You start collecting used margarine tubs and used plastic bags.

- Young men are afraid to be left alone with you lest you pounce.

- You like a slip-on shoe – saves all that bending.

- You are secretly rather pleased that your daughter has an orthodontic brace that looks like part of the waste disposal unit because – let’s be honest – it makes you look a bit better.

- If you wore a thong, you might look like a Sumo wrestler.

- Easy-care fabrics start to appeal.

- Your pubes start to go a bit straggly, a bit gray, a bit sparce.

- In the (very) unlikely event that you went pony trekking, everyone else would be given normal ponies and then they’d bring out a carthourse beg enough to tow a juggernaut for you. That’s code for ‘you now have a fat arse’.

Things that bug Grumpy Old Women

These things are just the tip of the iceberg you understand – a full list obviously wouldn’t fit into a book, dur ...

- Grumpy Old Men. Women have every reason to be grumpy. Men do not. Deciding whether to comb over, whether to tuck the shirt under or over the beer belly, or experiencing some frustration with superglue is about as bad as it gets for men. (Mind you, superglue IS annoying.)

- People who say ‘bear with me two seconds’ when you know they are going to be 15 minutes.

- Things that claim to be ‘home-made’ or ‘farm fresh’ when you know they are the entire opposite, as in they have come from the freezer in the cash and carry.

- Needless and pointless signs that are supposed to be helpful, such as ‘Warning – deep water’ situated right next to the sea, or ‘May contain nuts’ on a whole nut bar
of chocolate, but which are really only there to protect someone from litigation.

- Child-proof aspirin bottle tops that you need a child to help you to open.

- Pointless stickers on backs of cars. I saw one today that said ‘Twins on Board’. Good job you told me, otherwise I’d have slammed into the back of you.

Grumpy Old Women tend to say

- Is it me or is it hot in here?

- I shan’t be coming here again.

- I can remember those flared trousers first time around.

- How much?

- What a rip off.

- It’s a disgrace.

- What’s for lunch?

- I want to talk to the manager.

- You’re too young to be the manager.

- I’m ‘popping’ out (Only middle-aged people say ‘pop’).

- Let’s have a sit down.

- Cheers.

- Struth.

- Hasn’t it been cool for the time of year?

- The hit parade.

- Sending a penny.

- Naughty but nice.

- We can’t go on meeting like this.

- Right you are.

Grumpy Old Women spend little time

- Sicking up in the street.

- Asking the doctor for the morning-after pill – but it might be a laugh to show up at the surgery one busy morning and ask.

- Three-in-a-bed sessions.

- Snogging in public.

- Lighting farts (in public).

- Putting bollards on the tops of statues – although, interestingly, Grumpy Old Women would be the last people the police would suspect – neat.

- Wearing T-shirts that say ‘Fancy a shag’ or ‘All I want is a blow job’.

Now it’s all said and done, how many of you are nodding your heads and chuckling in agreement? I bet there are a few! Isn't great to finally find that release, to discover that you're 'normal'?

Welcome to the Grumpy Old Women Club, I'm pleased to see you. Step right in. Membership is free.

Monday 16 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 20

My hair is starting to grow back. At the moment it’s only a couple of mm long and definitely not blonde. It feels like baby hair as it doesn’t have the cut blunt ends.

Feeling a bit better within myself, but still tired.

Thursday 12 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 16

Took last 4 tablets for this cycle this morning. The ondansetron morning and night seems to be doing the trick re nausea. I hope the tiredness goes soon too.

Saturday 7 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 11

I’ve been taking ondansetron twice daily (first thing in the morning and last thing at night) and some stemetil to stave off nausea – it seems to be working. I’ve been extremely tired and bad tempered.

Refilled my scripts today, although I have to go get more ondansetron on Monday afternoon as they’d run out. Also bought some Mag Pelegrino to help with constipation as I haven’t been for 3 days and have been full of wind.

Took one dose at lunch time. Got rid of a bad blockage this afternoon, then after dinner had a dose of the craps, but seem OK at the moment.

My index finger on my right hand has been going numb the last couple of days while using the computer, and other fingers have followed. They have been getting extremely cold, then pins and needles set in once they “thaw”.

My face is really HOT tonight, but I’m shivering, as I do most days and nights these days.

We had Thai tonight – some celebration – DH has said nothing to me like “Happy Anniversary”, and his not helping (pick in the clothes, do much logical thinking) is really getting to me. He’d rather sit and play his computer games on my computer or play with this lead shit than help me – he does deal with the kids at times though. I’d love it if he actually bathed them as it makes my stomach turn trying to kneel down there and do it all. A nice hug, cuddle and a few nice words would really help at the moment. I feel so alone with all of this – he just keeps away so he doesn’t put his foot in it, but doesn’t attempt to find out what might help me.

Survivors and survival take many forms

Well, I survived the period from hell. Let’s just say that maternity sanitary protection just didn’t cut it and leave it at that. As soon as it actually started, the hot flushes came back. C’est la vie!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~
My friend M has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s about to turn 51 and lives in the country. We worked together for several years and although we don’t keep in touch on a regular basis, we pick it up whenever we do catch up.

She awoke early Thursday (27 July) morning and felt a lump. M was, from that moment, thrust onto this horrendous rollercoaster ride and hasn’t had time to catch her breath. She sent me a very brief email my Monday night. I phoned her Tuesday evening and we chatted for around ¾ of an hour. I think it put her mind to rest about a few things, which is good, and after our chat, she managed to eat something for the first time in several days.

She had her bone scans done on Wednesday and CT scans on Thursday. Thankfully they have come back clear.
M underwent surgery on Thursday (3 August). She had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed. She should have the first of her pathology results back by tomorrow, which should give some indication as to whether further treatment is necessary, and if so, what.

I got busy and made a couple of things, a floozy boob (a delicate A cup), a small teddy bear with scarf and decorated the cover of a journal.


I dropped in to see her Friday afternoon and she was doing very well, sitting in a chair, with her DH, 2 daughters and 3 grand daughters (aged 7-13 months, includes twins). It looks like she’ll be on her way home on Tuesday, all being well. We chatted until it was time for me to pick the boys up from school.

M, I’m here for you!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Today marks the anniversary of DH and I getting together. We’ve made it to 28 years!

I was a mere 17 years old almost 18, and he 19. It was a bit of a set up where some girls thought I was trying to “steal” their boyfriends and decided they’d do something about it. BTW I was the only girl studying geology at uni in a class full of guys – we were all just friends, nothing more. Our first “date” consisted of DH coming around to the flat I shared with 3 girls and we all worked on crossword puzzles.

I suppose that sums up our relationship, yep, nothing ordinary!

Wednesday 4 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 8

Appointment at 11.15am

I have 15 Stemetil left (after breakfast).

Took J to Kindergym. A girlfriend’s sister is keeping an eye on J for us. I made some bolognaise sauce the other day and froze it – it is for some reason bland so will give her a tin of brown onion gravy to liven it up a little.

I’ve been continually nauseous. My onc gave me some anti nausea drugs IV before my treatment today. I hate the taste of the treatment. Had to supply a urine sample to check for any infection due to my bladder fun. I threw up in the basin there – it was not pretty (orange cordial only) but I felt like my eyes and face was going to explode.

I had a rest/snooze when we got home. Took one of the ondansetron wafers at around 5pm to see if that helped – it may have.

H went to school today and was OK.

He “woke up” at around 8.45pm and came out of his room crying – don’t think he was totally awake though. Gave him some panadol as he said that his body hurt – will see how he goes tonight.

Tuesday 3 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 7

Still feeling crappy, tired, horrid tummy – which is exacerbated by my haemorrhoids – OUCH!

Took stemetil again at around 6pm – I don’t think it’s doing as good a job as it could – will speak to my onc tomorrow.

This course of treatment is making me feel totally crappy and it isn’t getting any better.

Got a call from H’s teacher at around 12 noon saying H was feeling unwell and crying – not like him at all. I went in and picked him up – he was curled up on a bean bag, the poor love. I gave him some panadol (8ml) and he went to sleep curled up with DH (took all of 10 mins, if that). I then had to extricate DH from H – he continued to sleep for a couple of hours and felt a bit better. I’m hoping he will avoid the throwing up that his teacher had late last week – will see how he is in the morning – and of course that none of the rest of us get it.

It’s only 10.15pm and I feel stuffed, and I still have to get everything ready for tomorrow.

Monday 2 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 6

Still feeling crappy, tired, horrid tummy – which is exacerbated by my haemorrhoids – OUCH!

Took some additional stemetil today (only 1 – 2 occasions).

H is using his jumper as a nose rag – ewwwwwwwwwwwww!

Sunday 1 August 2004

CMF1 – Day 5

Had stomach cramps most of the day, followed by diarrhea – not pretty. I’ve been tired and cranky as well and spent most of the day on the sofa under my blanket.